Below is an example of a first-year
college student's work with the Relaxation or "Corpse" Pose for
Revision. She completed this work as a low-stakes exercise, applying the method
to a longer project in genre analysis. Kylie Leydon is a student at Salem State
University.
For steps in teaching this exercise (or
using it on your own writing), see the post from November 1, 2018.
Conclusion Paragraph:
This
conclusion is way too short. I used the terms “I” and “you” too often. I
need to sum up my ideas better. Maybe relate it more to the concept and main
ideas of this assignment- it is too brief and not formal enough for a college
assignment. I need to relate back to the idea of Genre and my coupons…how
did I learn from it? I need to write more- perhaps details and examples-
on my analysis section. This is my weakest paragraph I think. More
“formal” words are needed to my piece. Don’t talk like you are to
friends- you are passing this in for a grade. Conclusions are the most
important pieces of an essay. Make it count. This part of my writing is
“jumbled” and thrown together almost out of a last resort to get this over with.
Pay more attention to summing up your ideas. I need stronger sentences to
sum up/ conclude my ideas. Formality and organization is key in a
rhetorical analysis, so I must take time to review this work. I want to
achieve a good grade, so I need to start putting in better work and pay more
attention in focusing and expanding on my ideas.
Second
to last paragraph:
What
even is this topic sentence “Genre is often viewed differently for each
person?”…. Were you seriously going to turn that in? Again, I need to make this
formal. Even though it is a letter to the future students, it states
right in the directions that it is formal. In this paragraph I need to
look back on the rhetoric of my genre more. I need to make sure that I am
looking at the questions in the prompt and answer them more properly. I
need to use better language and expand my ideas while maintaining formality and
professionalism. I need to ensure that the quote fits where I placed it
as well. I feel like I kind of just threw it in there as a last resort to
fulfill this requirement and I feel that I can expand my ideas more. I
feel that I am either using too many short, choppy sentences or too many long
sentences lacking voice. Sentence structure is key in any essay and it is
important to keep interest. Review the concluding sentence as well and
see if any transitions can help with this section of my writing as well.
I feel like the length of my paragraph is strong although the content could use
some revisions and work. This is the finale before the conclusion…end on
a strong finish.
Third
to last paragraph:
I
need a strong conclusion that links my main idea to my paragraph. I am
simply just going into my requirements and answering questions on the prompt
instead of forming coherent paragraphs and sentences. I need to focus
more and use the skills I have to form the quality of paragraphs that I am capable
of writing. I do like the detail of the first sentence and I may decide
to keep this but I feel it needs to be in the content and body of my paragraph
writing. I also feel that I can eliminate some “flowery” words and add
some colons like we learned in class to make my words mean more and get to the
point quicker. I can eliminate some words that actually take away from my
piece like “ultimately”, “things”, and even “some” to strengthen my vocabulary
and purpose behind writing this analysis. I need to stay on topic and be
more concise. Stop starting your sentences off with the same few words
and use variation to make your ideas have more meaning. Gain a unique
voice and do not try to fulfill a genre simply by filling in what ever you feel.
Stop sounding like a robot. Your sentences have no meaning when you are
answering every question on the prompt. Focus, focus, focus!
Intro
Paragraph:
I
know it’s okay to not be the typical “five paragraph essay” but it does
certainly feel weird. Since it is not set up like one, I feel like I need
to make my intro stronger or perhaps break it up. Intros are not supposed
to be really long but what if it’s on a letter? Is that ok? Something
about my first sentence doesn’t feel right to me. I keep reading it and
keep wishing that it wasn’t on my paper every time. I’m going to change
it. I need to introduce my preconceptions first I think. I can take
out unnecessary phrases such as “as I am a commuter student”, “the first
thing”, and “I would mock the genre of coupons as I find them ironic”. Looking
back, I question what I was thinking when I thought that it was a good idea to
write that on a paper that I was going to turn in. Maybe I’m going into
too much detail in the first paragraph and I can fuse some of the sentences
into other ones? I don’t know. I need to reduce the number of times I say
the word “I” and look for other words to avoid during formal essays. Do
not use words that you would when talking to friends and instead replace them
with words you know are formal enough for a college professor to read.
Not a super awful paragraph but some revisions and editing will improve the
content of my genre analysis piece.
What
I learned from the Relaxation Method and how I plan to implement:
I
always dread the editing and revision stage to any one of my projects or
assignments. I often find it hard to remove or change information because
I feel that I already said everything that I could possibly say. I also
find my audience very close. I feel that by re-reading I can only find
the bad within my writing and never the good. It is almost as if when I
read some parts that do not sound pleasant, I wish that it was already turned
in because I really do not want to have to look at it again.
This
corpse/ relaxation pose was very different and was certainly a first. I
knew that my analysis piece was worse than my creative piece so I wanted to
work on that. I noticed myself calling out my lack of formality on my essay and
the need to better organize and expand on my thoughts. I found that I had
a lot of unnecessary words and phrases as well. I will include more
clarity on the genre assignment perhaps and even relate more back to the genre
of coupons that I chose. I am going to vary my sentence structure thus
incorporating more voice into my writing and I am going to ensure that all my
sentences are in the proper place backed up with explanations and details.
I
find that I will do this exercise more often. It is a great way to write
down initial thoughts on your work from end to start then actually let the
ideas slide away as you push the papers on the floor out of thought. It
is like gaining a clean slate every paragraph and is an overall great activity
to constantly be aware and conscious of your words in the moment. I was
not preoccupied with prior thoughts and it felt good to let it all go.
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